You Asked For It (or Didn't): My Completely Unsolicited Opinion on "Twilight"

A number of people have recently asked my opinion on the ever-so-broody, glitter-soaked, rabidly-adored phenomenon known as "Twilight," seeing as how I am an expert on all things literary. Okay, fine, by "a number of people," I mean one or two. And by "literary expert," I mean I have an English degree. For whatever that's worth, I am happy to give my thoughts on the series, generally limiting them to two words:

it's horrendous.

Now before you get all "Team Edward" on me, let me assure you that yes, I have read the books--all of them. And no, it wasn't the worst experience of my life. I'll even admit that by book three, I was ostensibly engaged. And, granted, like the Harry Potter books before them, the Twilight series has elicited a fever pitch of insatiable reading and book-swapping amongst teens, as any English teacher can attest. But unlike Harry Potter, however, I have (sub)zero desire to re-read Twilight in all of its melodramatic glory. Because unlike Harry Potter...Twilight is horrendous.

It's difficult to know where to begin in dissecting my distaste for Meyer's books. But you have to start somewhere, so here goes:

1) They're not funny.

Oh, come on Jess, be fair. The Brothers Karamozov isn't exactly a knee-slapper, either. Okay, fine, but in defense of this critique: if you are going to drag the reader down the path of Supernatural Emodom, you could at least infuse it with some semblance of humor. J.K. Rowling sure did. Plus, she had the added decency to make the plot and characters compelling to begin with. The nerve!

Sample funny line from Harry Potter:

"Percy wouldn't know a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby's tea cozy."

Oh, J.K. That is both hilarious and adorable. How very British of you. By contrast:

Sample funny line from Twilight (according to a Google search):

Edward: "Do I dazzle you?"
Bella: "Frequently."

Oh, Steph. That is equal parts nauseating, unfunny, and vaguely homoerotic. Go ahead and take that brilliant Rowling line and slap it on Meyers. Or feel free to change it up: "Meyers wouldn't know wit if it bit her in the freaking neck."

SM: Do I nauseate you?
Reader: Frequently.

Of course, I'd be more forgiving if not for this:

2) Bella is the most boring female protagonist ever created.

Bore-a--woops, my bad, Bella--is constantly amazed by her ability to enthrall the ice-prince Edward. Frankly, so am I. From what I can gather, Bella is good at two things:

1) cooking for her equally boring father Charlie, and
2) almost dying.

"Bella, babe...if I bite you, will you promise to bore me for all eternity?"

The latter is particularly useful, as it allows Edward ample opportunity to swoop in and save her. Which in turn gives him ample opportunity to dictate her every move (I'm not kidding. The feminist inside you will die a slow death with the turn of each page).

But that's okay, because...

3) Edward is really, really hot.

Like, really hot. As Bella will tell you. With her every. waking. thought. I mean, every now and then, Bella takes a break from contemplating her boyfriend's glittery hotness/her own inadequacy-at-being-hot to almost die, but after that, she quickly redoubles her ogling efforts. If there was something tantamount to a drinking game for books, the one for Twilight would go something like this: "Drink every time Bella elaborates on the utter physical perfection of Edward." And in five minutes, you would be completely smashed. Which would probably be a better use of your time than actually reading the book.

4) Conflict, schmonflict.

Last time I checked, conflict was, like, kind of fundamental to good storytelling. Below, I give you an abbreviated summary of Bella's-perceived-conflicts/their-awesome-resolutions. If you're mid-series or anxiously awaiting the gory details onscreen, two things: first, re-evaluate your tastes. Then, proceed to number 5.

"Ugh, moving from Phoenix to Forks, this sucks. I guess I'll have to be the awkward new girl at school. Wait a minute...why does everyone love me? Cool, whatever. That hot pale guy sure hates me though. HOLD THE PHONE...he's actually psychotically in love with me? Why? Okay, sweet. Cool. Let's date. Ah, he's gorgeous but he's some kind of societal outcast--he probably lives in some shack in the woods. Or NOT. What the he---this is your house!??! No way. Hot, and RICH. But a vampire. mmm. This could cause some probs, as he's immortal and I'm a just a stupid, boring human....*kicks a can down a street.* Bah, what else to do but also be a vampire? Huh, Ed? Bite me. No? Not till we're married? Cool, I can wait. But first let's have sex--umm, get married. Done. Well, this could end badly, as you have Hulk-like strength and are technically marble--waaaaait, no...awesome. Of course. Bite me. Yes, I'm aware that I'm going to be a walking murderous rampage and never see my parents again. Do it anyway. Ya see, I kiiiiiiinda don't have any thoughts or goals outside of you, so....if this doesn't work out, I'm screwed, got it? Ouuuuuuuuuchh--'k, done. Rad. Hey, now I'm almost as hot as you! And really super fast and strong! And vampire-vampire sex = TOTES better than vampire-human sex! Heh, who knew? Wait...what's this?!?! I have some godlike self-control which instantly gives me the restraint towards mortals that you've been honing for CENTURIES?!?! So I DON'T have to say goodbye to Ma and Pa? And NO ONE really has to make any real sacrifice of ANY KIND?!??! Awesome. I love you. Make out with me.

THE END.

Okay, granted, it's not all butterflies 'n' rainbows in Bella's world. At times things get a little turbulent. You may feel bad about not caring, until you remember that the characters are one-dimensional snoozefests.

5) Enough. With. The Vampire. Spin-offs.

It seems that any phenomenon, no matter how horrible, becomes the vanguard through which related/rip-off media floods the cultural consciousness.

Exhibit A.

...and B.

and dear God, why: C.

While the first two might be chalked up to a strange confluence of vampire interest, that last one troubles me. At least Stephanie Meyers had the ingenuity to spew out her own crappy series. Now it looks like some talentless/shameless Christian writers will whore out her series, de-Mormonify it, and cloak their efforts in righteousness. In a word: ugh.


*Pshew. I think I'm done. And I've barely scratched the surface of feminist critique, which could fill a book. But on an effort to end on a light-hearted note, I leave you with this...

a hilarious mash-up of shirtlessness and Kristen Stewart's horrible acting, also known as the "New Moon" trailer. Enjoy.